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#Fuck7thGrade


Freud stressed that the first five years of life are crucial to the formation of adult personality. He had it wrong. It's 7th grade -the shittiest of all years.

I'm working on a one-woman-show about the worst year of my life. "#Fuck7thGrade" is the, for now, working title. I've got until June to come up with the structure and songs. That's not a lot of time, especially since I will inevitably procrastinate...a lot. I started to panic today, then realized that I already have so many songs already that I could include. My whole catalog has been influenced and damaged by 7th grade.

So here is a few back catalog songs, as well as a couple of unreleased or rarities.


1. UNDERDOG VICTORIOUS: He's the bullied little queer boy who will eventually grow up to be a Glam Rock Star!

UNDERDOG VICTORIOUS

Bobby Trucks was a fat little boy living in a shitty little town

And every recess the dodge ball flew it knocked poor Bobby down

Four o’clock when he got home upstairs in his room

He'd close the door tie on his cape

Put on his skin-tight suit

And he'd sing

Underdog victorious

He was simply glorious

Someday he'd die notorious

Underdog victorious

A couple years later tried out for the band.Did covers of Matchbox 20

But he was dreaming of the New York Doll and Max's Kansas City

Of course they never called him back, they thought he was too queer

But he didn't care, back in his room, he’d sang into the mirror

And he sang

Underdog victorious

He was simply glorious

Someday he'd die notorious

Underdog victorious

He could see into the future. That was one of his great gifts

And one day all those dodge ball bullies

Would dream of his sweet kiss

And they'd dream

Underdog victorious

He was simply glorious

Someday he'd die notorious

Underdog victorious

2. Margaret - from my 1995 record. Margaret was the girl who bullied me. She was the goody two-shoes who, yes, ended up in the adult film industry. I kind of make fun of her for it in the song. But now after knowing and having friends who have been in "the industry" (as well as all the Stormy Daniels to do ), I'm so not looking down at all on Margaret's career path. She still should have been nicer to me.

Margaret, back in Junior High Margaret, all yellow curled She was the most popular girl Margaret, she was beautiful Margaret developed first We all thought she had all the luck in the world

She never noticed me, what could I give her? I knew someday I would have to forgive her Ooh Margaret, dear Margaret

Such a lucky girl How could I ever forget Margaret

Meanwhile, ten years later Margaret moved to West Hollywood We all thought she could make it if anyone could Margaret, she missed the reunion Margaret, we never heard What became of St. Mary's glamorous girl

Until the day at the video center A man held a tape with a girl on the cover In bad lingerie on a Cadillac fender Ooh Margaret, dear Margaret

Such a lucky girl Our St. Mary's girl How could I ever forget Margaret

3. Strawberry Gloss: I didn't have a best girlfriend until the Spring of 7th grade. I always wanted one, but somehow no one wanted to be mine. My good friends were boys anyway - we had more similar interests. Then, I met Mary Gardner. Mary also liked Alice Cooper's "Welcome to my Nightmare". Anyway, she became my best friend! That was until she started paying attention to Billy Silverstein. Then she started dressing and acting different. It didn't help that she was also my first big crush. The song has a definite kind of 60s Bacharach vibe. And I get to namedrop things like "Jean Nate" and "Sun In." Billy Silverstein ended up married and divorced like nine times.

retainers and braces for our pretty faces and starter-bras, shirts made of gauze on a soft-focus field with the sunset behind strawberry gloss older girls with the Sun-In hair then my best friend became aware of the boys after school she began to wear strawberry gloss someday, some way love will be calling, and I will be falling some time, I'll find someone to love me, too hot wheels and comic books hidden away for Seventeen Magazine and Jean Nate’ so I kiss the mirror to see how I taste strawberry gloss someday I'll say that's what made me no regrets, maybe some time I'll find someone to love me, too it was a terrible time, and no one explained everyone suffers, so let me just say some had it worse and some feel a loss here I am waiting for you in strawberry gloss... someday, some way love will be calling and I will go falling some time, I'll find someone to love me too someday, I'll say that's what made me and no regrets, maybe some time, I'll find someone to love me someone to love me too

4.Big Shoes : I looked like one of Jerry's (Lewis) telethon kids growing up. I had braces on my legs forever and had to wear orthopedic shoes until the end of 7th grade. I get sad every time I hear the song now as I used to have my mom come up onstage to sing it with me whenever she came to a show. She, by the way, performed the song with me on the TED stage, the Kennedy Center, and...in front of May Pang (John Lennon's mistress). I'm just saying.

While everyone wore loafers I needed more support I'd always hide when we take a drive To that awful store I had a choice of black or blue The biggest ugliest ass shoes But what could I do My feet they came out funny Mary McKay she had Mary Janes With that patent leather shine She was known as Tinker Bell And I was Frankenstein Big shoes before they were big Big shoes I'll never forgive My mother made me wear big shoes In my school when Spring came Sandals they were all the rage With plastic beads on straps to match Their painted nails Heavy-footed in the hall What I wanted most of all Was red ball jets So I could get over the schoolyard fence Kip O'Neil she had high heels She went all the way By the time I got up to bat They called off the game Big shoes everyday You can hear them coming a mile away Outside you hear them say Here comes Big Shoes And when I could go to the real shoe store On the shelves I looked in horror On display were combat boots and platforms Here comes Big Shoes Big shoes before they were cool Wanted feet so miniscule I even wore them at the swimming pool Here comes Big Shoes Big shoes everyday You can hear them coming a mile away Outside you can hear them say Here comes Big Shoes

5.Forbidden Thoughts of Youth: A brand new song! This is again sort of about Mary Gardner - and young love, secrets and shame. By the way, when I try to Google Mary Gardner, nothing comes up. She probably changed her last name. But still, when I can't find someone, I always think the worst.

My heads on the schoolroom desk

As Miss Tolliver's handing out last week's test

All I can do is just think about you

And Imagine what's under your dress

Out on the hockey field

Then into the shower where all is revealed

The girls stood around, as the water ran down

Hands cover over my chest

Forbidden thoughts of youth

They will never know, they will never know

My forbidden thoughts of you

You will never know the truth

In the parking lot by Captain Dee’s

Billy rolls one from just stems and seeds

He wanted to go, but I just didn't know

He didn't do it for me.

I just kept seeing you eyes

Imagining that it was you by my side

We'd take the bus where there's others like us

Somewhere we won't have to hide

Our Forbidden thoughts of youth

They will never know, they will never know

My forbidden thoughts of you

You will never know the truth

I swear I saw you smile at me, there was something in your gaze

Could it be, oh could it be, that you feel the same

Watching the clock on the wall

Another six minutes, we're back in the hall

You're locker I'll pass, there's just one more class

I hope that I see you next Fall

Forbidden thoughts of youth

They will never know, they will never know

My forbidden thoughts of you

You will never know the truth

Coppertone: This song has never seen the light of day., but here she is. Do you remember that smell of chlorine with Coppertone #4 and the possibility of having sex one day?

Cindy never burned, she got so dark.

Badges of honor held by strap line marks

Then there was me with the oversized tee

Protecting my tender pink shoulders.

“Marco Polo”, the younger kids screamed

Cindy yelled back when their splashes reached

Our chaise lounge chairs, but she didn't care

Just reapplied the Coppertone

Uncap the brown bottle, pour on the gold

Number 4 Coppertone

Over the stomach, the back of the thighs

Stay until the clock says five

Cindy's mom bought her a two- piece suit

While I wore a Speedo in gym class blue

That summer in Florida, I wished I were you

All the girls wished they were you

“Can I climb on your shoulders”, boy said to his dad.

Unaware that dad had been staring at

The girl with the tan, he wished his hands

Were rubbing in the Coppertone

Uncap the bottle and pour on the gold

Slather on the Coppertone

One day like her, I'll be sun kissed

Lay until the clock strikes six

Remember the scent of sand and sea

Of coconut mixed with chlorine.

She rolled over and asked me

Dottie, “Can you get my back”

Uncap the brown bottle, pour on the gold

Number 4 Coppertone

We sunned til eight and then the next day

We put back on the Coppertone


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